Letter to the CTA (Chicago Transit Authority)

Dear CTA,

I want to thank you for the continued expansion that you currently have under way. This expansion stays true to the Chicago mindset of continuous improvement and renovation. So thank you for your continued efforts in this context.

I would more specifically like to thank the Security Guards at the Red Line Grand Station. This station will be the next to receive a complete face lift. It is the 4th most frequently used station in Chicago. Your support of these actions is extremely value. I realized your role when I spotted you taking a nap in your chair that was positioned behind the beam. I enjoyed that you had your dust mask on with your hat pulled down over your eyes. Or the time that the entire platform was packed because of a Cubs game and you let me know that I needed to step one foot to the right because that was your 10 X 10 space. I listened since I am a caring civilian and I got to watch you paint your fingernails. It was a great shade. But I asked myself, what would you do if something happened? Would you risk your nails to help out someone like myself?

I really enjoy the fact that your schedules remain untouched even with the construction. You have managed to some how make it possible for me to stop and smell the roses. By being able to stand on that platform, I have the time to stop and think. Many things run through my mind. Will there be a homeless guy going from car to car asking for $0.50? Will there be a bum pissing in the corner of the train again? Can I stand next to the guy that is talking very loudly into his cell phone? Or the guy that is rapping to himself as he listens to the latest Ice Cube cassette tape? I would never be able to stop and think about these things without you.

One last thank you to the construction workers that make all of this renovation possible. The dust, mud and generator smoke are the perfect atmosphere for the walk to work. You provide us with the changes necessary to keep our city updated and all the dry cleaners in the city in business. I am a smoker but the diesel fumes that you supply are ten times better. I also marvel at the business hierarchy that you have in place. The sheer fact that two people can work with 12 on break and 6 others supervising everyone is incredible. Thank you.

So in closing, I want to thank all of those mentioned and all those that I may have missed for helping the CTA be so repliable and accountable.

Sincerely,

Your friendly neighborhood Hitman

Chicago White Sox Fans Continued

Due to the overwhelming response from my post on the Tigers games that I went to here in Chicago, I decided to give out some honorary mentions to some more Sox fans. They are not as insightful as those that were honored with the Olympic metals, but they are worth mentioning none the less.

HM #1 - To the gentleman who tried the start the "Detroit Sucks" chant in the Men's restroom. Thank you for you attempt. I think there were many reasons for your failure. Maybe you are the long lost cousin of "douche", who I found out works at the stadium selling 50/50 raffle tickets. If you see him, tell him I say hello and go fuck yourself.

HM #2 - To the seven fans that had oral diarrhea as I walked back from the bathroom to my seat. I understand that you were pissed because you were losing and until very recently were last in that standings. Congrats, you are ahead of the Royals. But comments like "Go home Detroit", "Steriods", "You Suck", and "Where's Your WS Banner?" don't really mean much to me. You see, we may have lost to the Cardinals, but we are still contending which is more then I can say for your team.

HM #3 - To the teenagers that would do anything for better seats. I can understand where you are coming from. But unfortunately that was Section 538 Row 30. I fully appreciate the attempt to try and take those $25 tickets and sit in the only row that was in front of me. That was very kind of you. I just don't know how you were planning on fitting 5 people into 3 seats. I think you should take that one back to the drawing board.

HM#4 - To the assholes on the red line and the red line platforms. I think the last thing you should do is walk into a car filled with half Tigers fans, a lot of Sox fans and some Cubs fans mixed in and start talking shit for 30 minutes. We played the entire Toledo Mudhens line-up against you.

HM#5 - This is going to be a positive mention. To the saxophone player outside the park. Thank you for playing Sanford and Son. I was actually quite impressed that you held it from when I walked out onto the concourse to when I passed you going to my train. That dollar I gave you was well spent.

HM#6 - Another positive mention. To all my fellow Detroit Tiger fans. It was good to see that once we flee MI we can come back together. Through responses and conversations with complete strangers, I realizied just how much sports can bring people together. So thank you.

If I had to give White Sox fans a grade that included class, wit, timing, talent, humor, respect, and knowledge, I would give you a C-.

I will fully admit that this post is not one of my greatest. But, there is more to come. I will have my first Wrigley Field Experience on Wednesday and I am sure I can find some good topics there for you. Also, I have some friends coming into town this weekend so that should spur up some hilarity.

Welcome to US Cellular Field: Please keep your hands and feet inside the cart at all times

There is no better city to be a Michigan transplant then Chicago. There are many MI transplants here and you can make good friends through your "fleeing the wasteland" brethren. But one of the highlights of escaping from MI to Chicago is the Detroit Tigers playing the Chicago White Sox at US Cellular Field. The Tigers were recently in town for a 5 game series with the Sox that included a make-up game. I was fortunate enough to attend two of these games.

Sox fans have to be some of the most different fans I have ever seen. back in my sports radio promotion and marketing days I met a lot of different baseball fans from all over the country. None of them compare to the ridiculous nature of the Sox fan. I have decided to give out Olympic style metals to those that most caught my eye during these games.

Bronze Metal: Sitting in the first of of the club level seats was quite grand. I immediately thought that we would have a lot smaller chance of running into the drunk obnoxious fan that had no idea what they were talking about. But it just so happened that I was wrong. On Tuesday the 24th, the Tigers had a considerable lead, but soon started to slip. It could have been because we were developing at least 6 players from the minors, but that's neither here nor there. The Tigers only being up one run, the Sox fans finally woke up and decided to cheer. One of the classy Lady's in our section singled us out as Tigers fans and decided to place a bet. I certainly hope she is not a business woman and if she is I hope she is fired. She would give away the company. Her bet was as follows: "If your boys lose, then your buddy has to give me his Tigers hat......and I'll show you my boobs". She was a pretty good looking girl, probably early mid thirties, so it was a bet. If you follow baseball you know, the Tigers ended up losing that game. She stumbled over to us and demanded "her hat". We demanded the the entire section get to see what lies beneath and she quickly took off her jacket and lifted her shirt. Not even a second thought. I wish she would have left her shirt on. She must have been wearing four or five push up bras because these were by far the worst tits I had ever seen in my life. The guy sitting behind us took a pic on my camera and I am horribly glad that he did not hit the button in time to catch the disappointing display of female anatomy.

Silver Metal: In that same game as the Bronze metal, our section was blessed with the celebrity appearance of Lindsay Lohan. Not really but this chick was fucking wasted so it was a good comparison. Lindsay and her friends, all ranging around 21, were having a great time and drinking it up. The guys behind us were cool and decided to buy the girls a round of beers. Little did they know that Lindsay just received another DUI, I don't follow that shit but I heard people talking about it at work, and was on quite a rampage. Whitin no time she is stumbling through the section demanding that the guys pay for another round of beers and all the drinks that had had so far. When the guys refused and others in the section started telling her to sit down and shut up, Lindsay got a little upset. She through a temper-tantrum and and swearing. You know, being a belligerent bitch. Some of the fans decided they had enough and alerted Security, Lindsay was cut off and told to stay quiet. Her response was stealing popcorn from someone else and shoveling it into her mouth without a chance of air getting in. After about 10 minutes and 3 lbs of popcorn, her body gave up. She jumped out of her seat and headed for the bathroom. None of her friends followed. But after some pestering by some of the other fans, they finally decided to go hold Lindsay's hair back.

The coveted Gold Metal: We were sitting second row in right field, and we had a whole family of douche bags in front of us. It was the guy, we will refer to him as "douche" from now on, his wife, his daughter, and a friend of theres. Douche was apparently a big fan of the Sox and didn't want to let anyone forget it. He was also training his daughter to chant "steroids" for Gary Sheffield, "you suck" for Magglio and cheering when Placido Polanco took a pitch to the ankle and was hurt. he was a real class act. SO we started digging into him. Reminding him of the standing, cheering over him at every point we could, yelling encouragements to our Tigers and basically pushing every single one of his buttons. But we never swore, never talked bad about a player on their team, booed, and we also clapped when a Sox player made a good play. he didn't enjoy our tactics. He soon began to repeat everything we said in a sarcastic tone. "Millers looking really good for a rookie". insert sarcastic tone "Miller looks good for a rookie" for example. So we decided to test how smart he was. Our next comment was "Walker Texas Ranger". This dumb ass made it as far as "Walker Texas Raaaa". That's right shut up. By the end of the game his wife, friend and daughter had stared us down for at least half the game. But they saw that we were actually handling the matter with class and how much worse douche would act because of that. So finally, Tigers win 9-6. We cheered he got red, we cheered he gave us a dirty look. So finally it came to a point. Douche "All the matters is that banner up there". Really, congrats that you won the WS but you are currently at the bottom of the division. "Fuck you Detroit, Good back home". I will thank you, the red line to Lincoln Park. "Tigers Suck". C'mon how can you, a White Sox fan say that. "I'll meet you in the street". This douche piece of shit is holding his two year old daughter that he just taught how to cheer at the sight of an injured player from the opposing team, and is yelling at me that he is going to meet me in the street. Here's your Gold Metal asshole, trust me your earned it. I am forwarding this message to Child Services.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

On a rainy day in Chicago there are only so many things that you can look forward to; the smell of the rain, the drop in humidity, watching little kids piss there parents off by jumping in the puddles, and women wearing white. The most important being those women who chose to wear white that day. But sometimes thia can go well and other times it can go horribly wrong. Here are three examples that I encountered yesterday during the storms we recieved in Chicago.

The Good: I was walking the the Grand Red Line Station and there was a young lady walking in front of me that he woken up that morning and decided to wear a white sundress to work. Bad luck for her, but good luck for me, she had forgotten her umbrella. She was a very attractive girl and it was quite a site to see. An expensive looking white sundress had turned into a transparent napkin. One thing she did have going for her is that she was one of those girls that knows that she is very attractive, therefore it seemed that she did not care that anyone walking by could see everything that is usually hidden. That was a great start for the trip home and the best quarter mile that I have had so far in this city. But I soon to be disappointed.

The Bad: While waiting for my train, an older women walked over by me and was standing by the edge of the platform looking for the lights of the train. To my dismay, she had decided to wear white that morning. I will not go into much detail for the danger of vomiting. But this muffin-top was wearing a white shirt that was now a second skin. She paced around waiting for the train and with each step the site turned more and more ugly. The platform was rather busy seeing that it was 6:00 pm in Downtown Chicago. But somehow, this women stood alone with her own personal bubble space of over 10 feet because no one wanted to get close to her. It was a disturbing experience, but I thought that it was to balance out the attractive girl i had seen earlier. Right there I thought that I had a good, but not great, blog post. I didn't know it would get worse.

The Ugly: "Next stop Fullerton, doors open on the left at Fullerton". I step off of the over-crowded train relieved that "muffin-top" was no where in sight. I proceeded to the stairs down to the street and was confronted by "The Ugly". There she was in a skirt and a white t-shirt. She had apparently been standing in the rain for a while and her shirt was completely soaked through and transparent. Let's just say that she was a little more girthy then average. Standing by the top of the stairs, she waited for her train. Sometimes people can get a little hungry while waiting. She had decided to stop and get a huge as cheeseburger from one of the restaurants near the stop. So imagine my horror. She was standing there damn near topless, stuffing a cheeseburger into her face. Ketchup and mustard spackled to her face and not a chance that she could catch a breath in between bites. That's when I knew I had to write this post.

There were no more sightings in the rest of my adventure home. But those three had been much more then I had ever needed.

So just remember, the next rainy day that you encounter may come with The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

**DISCLAIMER - I wanted to state this to nullify any backlash from this post. I know that I am not the most visually stimulating man on this planet. But there is a reason I wasn't walking around in the rain in a white t-shirt and white shorts molesting a cheeseburger.**