Welcome to US Cellular Field: Please keep your hands and feet inside the cart at all times

There is no better city to be a Michigan transplant then Chicago. There are many MI transplants here and you can make good friends through your "fleeing the wasteland" brethren. But one of the highlights of escaping from MI to Chicago is the Detroit Tigers playing the Chicago White Sox at US Cellular Field. The Tigers were recently in town for a 5 game series with the Sox that included a make-up game. I was fortunate enough to attend two of these games.

Sox fans have to be some of the most different fans I have ever seen. back in my sports radio promotion and marketing days I met a lot of different baseball fans from all over the country. None of them compare to the ridiculous nature of the Sox fan. I have decided to give out Olympic style metals to those that most caught my eye during these games.

Bronze Metal: Sitting in the first of of the club level seats was quite grand. I immediately thought that we would have a lot smaller chance of running into the drunk obnoxious fan that had no idea what they were talking about. But it just so happened that I was wrong. On Tuesday the 24th, the Tigers had a considerable lead, but soon started to slip. It could have been because we were developing at least 6 players from the minors, but that's neither here nor there. The Tigers only being up one run, the Sox fans finally woke up and decided to cheer. One of the classy Lady's in our section singled us out as Tigers fans and decided to place a bet. I certainly hope she is not a business woman and if she is I hope she is fired. She would give away the company. Her bet was as follows: "If your boys lose, then your buddy has to give me his Tigers hat......and I'll show you my boobs". She was a pretty good looking girl, probably early mid thirties, so it was a bet. If you follow baseball you know, the Tigers ended up losing that game. She stumbled over to us and demanded "her hat". We demanded the the entire section get to see what lies beneath and she quickly took off her jacket and lifted her shirt. Not even a second thought. I wish she would have left her shirt on. She must have been wearing four or five push up bras because these were by far the worst tits I had ever seen in my life. The guy sitting behind us took a pic on my camera and I am horribly glad that he did not hit the button in time to catch the disappointing display of female anatomy.

Silver Metal: In that same game as the Bronze metal, our section was blessed with the celebrity appearance of Lindsay Lohan. Not really but this chick was fucking wasted so it was a good comparison. Lindsay and her friends, all ranging around 21, were having a great time and drinking it up. The guys behind us were cool and decided to buy the girls a round of beers. Little did they know that Lindsay just received another DUI, I don't follow that shit but I heard people talking about it at work, and was on quite a rampage. Whitin no time she is stumbling through the section demanding that the guys pay for another round of beers and all the drinks that had had so far. When the guys refused and others in the section started telling her to sit down and shut up, Lindsay got a little upset. She through a temper-tantrum and and swearing. You know, being a belligerent bitch. Some of the fans decided they had enough and alerted Security, Lindsay was cut off and told to stay quiet. Her response was stealing popcorn from someone else and shoveling it into her mouth without a chance of air getting in. After about 10 minutes and 3 lbs of popcorn, her body gave up. She jumped out of her seat and headed for the bathroom. None of her friends followed. But after some pestering by some of the other fans, they finally decided to go hold Lindsay's hair back.

The coveted Gold Metal: We were sitting second row in right field, and we had a whole family of douche bags in front of us. It was the guy, we will refer to him as "douche" from now on, his wife, his daughter, and a friend of theres. Douche was apparently a big fan of the Sox and didn't want to let anyone forget it. He was also training his daughter to chant "steroids" for Gary Sheffield, "you suck" for Magglio and cheering when Placido Polanco took a pitch to the ankle and was hurt. he was a real class act. SO we started digging into him. Reminding him of the standing, cheering over him at every point we could, yelling encouragements to our Tigers and basically pushing every single one of his buttons. But we never swore, never talked bad about a player on their team, booed, and we also clapped when a Sox player made a good play. he didn't enjoy our tactics. He soon began to repeat everything we said in a sarcastic tone. "Millers looking really good for a rookie". insert sarcastic tone "Miller looks good for a rookie" for example. So we decided to test how smart he was. Our next comment was "Walker Texas Ranger". This dumb ass made it as far as "Walker Texas Raaaa". That's right shut up. By the end of the game his wife, friend and daughter had stared us down for at least half the game. But they saw that we were actually handling the matter with class and how much worse douche would act because of that. So finally, Tigers win 9-6. We cheered he got red, we cheered he gave us a dirty look. So finally it came to a point. Douche "All the matters is that banner up there". Really, congrats that you won the WS but you are currently at the bottom of the division. "Fuck you Detroit, Good back home". I will thank you, the red line to Lincoln Park. "Tigers Suck". C'mon how can you, a White Sox fan say that. "I'll meet you in the street". This douche piece of shit is holding his two year old daughter that he just taught how to cheer at the sight of an injured player from the opposing team, and is yelling at me that he is going to meet me in the street. Here's your Gold Metal asshole, trust me your earned it. I am forwarding this message to Child Services.